domingo, 14 de diciembre de 2008

Rough pt 2: icky morning

When I unpacked this morning, I pulled my favorite pair of jeans out of my closet. I'd stuck them there because they'd been too small when I went back to Europe this fall. But after 4 months of working out really hard, I was hoping I might be able to put them on again.
Not a chance - in fact, they were tighter than ever. So my day began with me bursting into tears, wishing with all my heart that I had the will power to stop eating completely. Sick sick sick thoughts.
The truth is, I shouldn't be going to the gym to lose weight. I don't need to lost weight. And if I'm not slimming down, it's because I completely relapsed with the b/p this fall and...Well, honestly, I think my metabolism is seriously screwed. If I weren't taking birth control, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get my period. I've dropped a bra size. My body is not content with all this abuse, and it's telling me so. Time to kick this thing once and for all.

I threw the pants in the trash can, took a deep breath and ate breakfast. One day at a time.
I'm really scared.

13 comentarios:

Lola Snow dijo...

You do not need those jeans. Those jeans are nothing but a coating for keeping you warm. You are a far better and stronger person than a pair of pants. It's so hard, I did it myself recently, and I applaud you for not crumbling. You are doing great.

Lola x

ramona dijo...

Thanks Lola. Right now I'm wearing a comfy, torn up, ugly pair of jeans and feeling very content. Now I just have to stop pulling the stool into the bathroom to scrutinize myself in the mirror. I wonder if my mom neglected putting full length mirrors in this house on my account. :-S

Lola Snow dijo...

Bloody jeans eh? Who knew a bit of fabric could be a weapon of torture :)

Lola x

Sarah dijo...

Good for you! It's those moments like that, that are hard and testing. I'm glad you pulled through. Remember you did this!

Greta G dijo...

I relate so, so much. What I can tell you is that you're so much more than a pair of jeans. Yes, I'm sure that, intellectually, you know this to be true; however, the challenge is to get head to persuade your heart to accept yourself as you are. Keep doing the footwork and you'll get to where you want to be.
By the way...you mentioned in your profile that you're a graduate student. Where and in what? I'm about to be a grad student--in social work in NYC. Thanks for adding me to your blog list. I will as well.

Greta

Anónimo dijo...

i think size 4s are for teenagers. when i got to a comfortable size 10, i gave away all my size 0 and 2 and 4 clothes. i kept some 6s for a while, but then off they went to my 5'2 sister. if i try to weigh less than i do, i starve. and i get cranky and mean. happiness beats skinnyness every time!

MelissaS dijo...

now that i've come clean on my blog that i didn't go to rehab -- i can tell you that the last anonymous comment was from me, melissa. i felt compelled to respond. i hate sizes!

MelissaS dijo...

Ramona: how are you? where are you? i miss your blogs. hope all is well! melissa

Lola Snow dijo...

Ramona? Are you around the blogosphere, or have you taken Haitus? We miss you.

Lola x

Sarah dijo...

We miss you, I hope everything is well for you, I miss reading your entries.

Lola Snow dijo...

Still missing you.

Lola x

Standing in the Rain dijo...

i've always thought the quote, "your jeans should fit you, you shouldn't fit your jeans" was wise. and, in this case, appropriate.

good for you for discarding and eating breakfast anyways. a success!

Shae Adele dijo...

Congratulations on taking that step :)
I wish I was as strong as you are!